I feel far removed from the self i do not have. I do not feel my body as i usually do. I only feel things when i pay attention to them. This feeling is very off putting to say the least. I have to think about how to respond as my regular self would. It's sad. I do not have a sense of self, and usually i just respond with autopilot nonsense. And now that's gone. In this state i would rather not respond at all. Not want to be percieved. It's hard to keep focus. It's hard to want to be.
My intrusive thoughts creep back sometimes. I feel like these feelings are ending. Am i my intrusive thoughts if i feel so at home in them? It's scary. I am quite scared. My memories are like a picture book. I look back at them and know they happened. But i feel far removed from them at the same time. This is how i feel in regards to sleep too. I know i had sleep, but it feels like a stranger. Like it wasn't me who had sleep at all.
I feel so far removed from everything really. I want to be here, i want to enjoy it. I want to. But i can't see the point. I feel embarassed by being. I don't see a point. I have to keep paying attention to being ”myself” at this moment. It feels like a car with no driver, and even the person in the passenger seat is sitting on the backseat instead of the front. I feel bad. I feel bad because of multiple things. It makes me want to cry.
There's so many things going wrong right now and i feel so so foolish for still being here. Thinking i can try. I don't think i'll be able to get a job. And i don't know how long i can keep drawing up. I feel like a mess. I think i need a shower. I feel so much dumber than i am, but not dumb enough to not care. I'm just scared i'll run out of energy and money to go through the days.
Thinking about it, i might not have a 'sense of self' but i still have feelings and actions that kind of feel like myself. Is that what a sense of self is??? I also have times where my i have thoughts that don't feel like mine. It's so fucking frustrating man.
I feel like yesterday is still going on. I truly feel like i'm a day behind even though i'm not. OORURHGHGHR.
I feel like i am unaware and then for a few moments, i am suddenly more aware again. Its really weird and messing with me. Any edible effects should have worn out by now. I am afraid this is something mental and i won't be able to feel things normally again.
This is not me, I tell you. And even if its a lie it sounds true coming out of my mouth. Who you're talking to is not me, but I'm trying my best to be me; I'm fumbling my words. It's all so weird and difficult to describe. My focus is entirely about trying to act natural. Whole I, not me, doesn't want to act in the slightest.
I'm probably just overthinking my actions again, I think. Though the fact that I can barely do a task without narrating myself, does not help.
You're brushing your teeth, well done, "not me".