I wanna get beat up. I know it would be bad for me but damn. I wanna get beat up. I wanna fall. I want to be in pain. It has been a while. And i've never been seriously hit. I know it's a bad idea. And i know it would hurt. But sometimes it's just so hard to choose kindness. So hard to ask for a hug. So hard to cuddle a friend. I barely have time to meet up. Nonetheless go over. I crave something more. I crave something more intimate. This may be dumb as shit. This may be just my weird fixation. But damn. I've never had a bleeding nose. I want to feel what that feels like. I want to feel the scent of warm iron in my nose. I was never hit by anyone. I want to feel what that feels like. I want to feel the force of another on my body. It's difficult to describe. It's weird. I want to learn how to control my body. I feel like if i'm not forced, i will never learn. I want to get better. I want to break. I want to heal. But all these things are scary. Falling is scary. Fighting is scary. Sometimes i feel like beating something up. I just wish i would be thaught proper ways to deal with this. I wish i would have the time and space to feel another person up close. I wish it wasn't so taboo to cuddle with friends. I just wish so much to playfight someone. I just wish so much for comfort, even if i would find it in violence and pain.