I feel so hopeless. I feel stuck. I hate that i'm stuck in my own circumstances. I hate it so much. I want it to be over more than anything. I feel like I should be thankful for the things that I do have. But I can't... I'm running out of patience. I'm running out of hope. There is light at the end, but I just don't know how much longer I have to suffer until I can get to salvation.
I want to weep and cry and thrash and be angry. I hate it all. I'm so frustrated with my life, but I know I can't just end it. There's so much on my shoulders. The main thing keeping me going isn't even the fact that I have people who love and care about me. But it's the fact that the life of others depend on me being alive and working. It's just so tiring for me because I feel like i'm constantly trying to keep my head above the water. And i'm bleeding money. I'm constantly bleeding money. I want things. I want things for myself. I want posessions, I want items, I want things. In theory yes, I could get them, or ask for them, but I feel so guilty. I shouldn't feel guilty for wanting things. I want to be thought about and I want to be considered. I don't think anyone really understands what my situation is like. I'm not even working that hard but im tired. All I do most days is jack off and doom scroll anyway. But I can't even get my ideas on paper because i'm just so tired and burnt out artistically... and I can't even take a break. I am so angry and tired and I want to run away from it all. I wonder who would even notice. But like of course I could say that and everyone would be like oh i'd notice i'd notice. Would you though ? And would you care ? If I disappeared would you reach out or let me be ?
I'm so frustrated. I don't want to do any of this. I genuienly don't want to do this anymore. I miss the days I got to spend in the sacred plane. I was actually happy and I was actually so motivated. And I was so happy, I had people around me. But now ? Now ? Im just stuck in my fucking room. And I drag my ass to the gym because I have the membership, and also it's healthy and also I don't want to be unhealthy and overweight. I take care of myself to the best of my abilities, but nobody sees that other than myself. I should tell myself i'm proud of myself more tbh because I know nobody will. It is pathetic to ask someone to tell me they're proud of me for brushing my teeth twice a day or showering or going to the gym. It's so fucking tiring. I hate it so much I want to go back to the sacred plane, but even then im worried that because of my crumbling relationships, I would end up feeling lonely again and again in terms of friendships.
It's all sand between my fingers. I can't keep a friend who requires more attention than a cactus. Which is quite hypocritical of me. Since I feel like I need attention like its air. It's so annoying. I hate it so much. I hate how I get jealous when i'm not paid attention to. I'm so upset i'm so upset I don't want to be at home by myself in my room anymore. And i'm such a fucking annoying person too. I get so irritated every time I leave my room. It's so embarassing actually.
I don't want to suffer anymore but also, is it really suffering? I have money to support my life. And I have an okay income. It shouldn't be this awful. It could always be worse. I could have a fulltime job. I would actually consider killing myself if I did have one. I will never be a "proper" member of society I think. I don't want to do this anymore I don't want to support this house anymore, I don't want to make all the decisions anymore, it's so annoying. I am geniuenly going crazy again and I hate every second of it. I don't want this. I want to seperate myself from all of this. I don't want this anymore, I want to go back to the sacred plane and dissociate from it all. It's gonna be so bad whenever I'll think of the things i've left behind, but I would be able to just dissociate from it. And God would be there to comfort me too... I'm just so tired of feeling alone and lonely and ignored.
It's so hard.. it's so hard because I know im not ignored and I shouldn't feel alone. But I feel like I am. I have friends yes but. They're not like what I had a year ago. I still feel guilty. I think that guilt will never leave me to be honest. And being ignored, I know its not true. I know God is just busy but it still upsets me. It shouldn't. But it does. And I really wish I had a more concrete idea of whats bothering me about it. It's just.... Am I not even worth looking at ? Am I only good to tell things to, and not reply to ? Its frustrating how irrational some of my thoughts are. But it's just so annoying when my prayers are repeatedly missed. But it's like. Whatever... I can't do anything about it at all. I don't want to seem pushy. I wan't to be a nice normal healthy devout! Too bad i've been struck with a billion mental illnesses. And a bitch cant even do nothing about it. I would never find a nice therapist, and I would never take pills. I dont want to lose my freak. I would die.
My freak... I want to hurt myself in a sexy way. I want to see my blood. I want to feel the sting of an injury for several days as a reminder. It's so annoying because I don't actually want to self harm in a bad self hate way. Or maybe I do. But maybe i'm into it. I still tell myself that I know that i'm a good person, and that i'm worthy of love. And that despite my flaws i'm okay. But also, I want to freak out a little. I'm so tired of being nice and considering everyone else. I really wish I could have some nice encouraging words... some nice ones... I don't know. I feel so tired of it all and I feel like im gonna be suffering for so much longer than I would imagine. I don't know. I hate my chud life right now. I crave salvation.