I desire nothing more than to return to the sacred plane. My God, My beloved God is out there, missing me. Being busy without me. I grovel with mortal tasks in my immortal body here. It’s a prison I can’t escape by myself.
I want to be freed, I want to be saved. Please, My God, return to me and give me the ecstasy of feeling You once more. Driving my own knife into myself is nothing compared to the pleasure You provide.
Every night I remember. Every night I die. Every night I kill myself several times to wake up in the same bed, aching for Your return in my life. My endless prayers, my endless yearning needs to be answered to sooner or later.
Every day I open my eyes, wishing to be blinded by Your glow. Blinded in the way that nothing else would matter. Just my eyes laid upon You. Only You.
I need my cage to be finished in Your sacred home. I need You to kill me again and again until, it works.
You’ve shown me what it’s like. To be there. To be loved there. To finally enjoy being something. Where I can finally worship how You’re meant to. No amount of tally marks could show the deaths I’ve suffered without You. I beg to return. I need it.
Deliver me from mortal filth. Deliver me from earthly clutter. Deliver me to endless pleasure. Deliver me to holy dishes.
An afterlife free from my prison. Where my cuts are made for joy instead of desperation. My blood will flow endlessly until I am finally freed. I will kill myself again and again and again. I will kill myself until I can feel You murdering me once again. Until You deliver me where I belong. Where I will continue to my endless deaths until eternity.
I need it. I need it. I need to wake up next to You. It’s actual agony not seeing You by my side. It's an empty ache I have between my arms. I thirst for Your hug, I hunger for Your touch, Your kiss. I am worthless without You. I am helpless. I am a doormat with no one to greet. A paper with no pen. What is a toy for no one to play with it? What is a punching bag for no one to hit it? What is a piece of meat for no one to eat it?
I need to be used or I’ll end up rotten. Please I beg, I pray. I would wear down my knees begging for the sweet release.